By Lauren Miller
The chapel was teeming with sweltering, sweat-slick bodies. We were glowing. Filled with God. Men stood with fiddles made from spruce trees and women shouted praises as the music grew louder, holding their babies up towards the rafters as if they were offering lambs for
the slaughter. The flesh of my cheek was all that I had tasted in days. I felt the hunger reverberate in the shaking of my hands as I raised them above my head, but nothing else mattered as I watched Cyrus move across the stage. Not even the feverishness permeating my skin from my
mother’s overheated body could draw my attention from him.
He was speaking a language none of us understood, slurring words sent from the Lord and letting them drip onto the little boy he held in his arms. It was the newborn son of one of the congregation members who lived outside the ranch. Cyrus didn’t often let strangers onto the
property, but this was the grandson of one of his oldest disciples. The child, who was only a few weeks old, had been born blind. One of his eyes never opened. Cyrus said that he would live a life half-asleep, one eye always roaming, looking for the Devil.
“This child,” he said, “this dear, dear child. He was born with evil inside him.”
The boy, who was called Isaiah, looked up at Cyrus with a silence I had never witnessed in a human before. I wondered what kind of sins his mother had committed to create that sort of unnatural quiet.
Cyrus held the baby to his chest, swaying back and forth, whispering something into his ear. The child stared up at him with his one good eye as if he was seeing the sun for the first time after knowing only fog. It was the way everyone looked at the Messiah. Cyrus continued to
murmur to the child, his lips circling around the prayer in the most beautiful oval shape. His mouth hadn’t touched my skin in so long. I ached for it even more than I ached for food.
After a few more seconds of muttering, Cyrus held up his palm, asking for the musicians to cease. The hush that overtook the crowded chapel was immediate. The only noise carrying on was the sound of Isaiah’s parents weeping. The Messiah gazed out into the congregation with his
face sweat-slick and gleaming. The hues of the stained glass skylight above the stage casted a crimson shadow across his face, morphing the perspiration into blood.
“This child needs to be cleansed of his wickedness. He needs to become holy in the heart of the Lord so that he may follow Christ with perfect sight.”
Shouts bellowed from the throats of the congregation as we celebrated the miracle that was about to occur. I opened my mouth and hollered, screaming as loud as my lungs would allow. I wanted him to hear me. I wanted anyone to hear me.
Cyrus nodded in acknowledgement of our praise and waited for us to calm before he spoke again. “God asks the faithful to lay their hands on the sick, for they shall be healed by the
true believer.” He looked out into the crowd, eyes glazing across people’s faces, until he reached mine. My stomach writhed under his stare and I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat as his
gaze intensified. My trembling fingers grew still. Whatever hunger had been growing inside my body was gone. “Lou Parson, will you join me, please?”
I had only heard my name in the voice of the Messiah once before, during my baptism. He never invited others onto the stage when he was preaching. Even those who played music for the services stood in the altar rather than on the wooden platform, because Cyrus said that the
Word of God was the only thing we should hear with complete clarity.
I felt the sure, guiding hand of my mother press against the small of my back, and I turned towards her. She nodded, just as the Messiah had, and shifted so that I could leave the pew our family was sitting in. Envy penetrated the air, rising from the rest of the congregation like the uncomfortable wet of morning dew. I willed my body to stand, and began to pray, asking God to give me mercy for the pride that I felt with each step I took towards the Messiah. A lightness was boiling over inside me. It was sinful and ugly and I had to bite my lips to keep from grinning at the pleasure of it all.
When I reached the stairs, the Messiah beckoned me closer with one pinkish hand, still holding the child with his other. “Lou,” he said when I approached, “are you a true believer?”
“Yes,” The word was hurried as it left my tongue. I glanced at the crowd of my neighbors, waiting for someone to object to my response, but no one did. They looked so inconsequential from where I now stood. Not people, just bodies. I knew then that this was what God felt like. I looked at the Messiah and waited.
“A true believer shall lay their hands on the sick and they shall be healed.” As the Messiah spoke these words, he bent down at the edge of the platform and handed Isaiah back to the arms of his father. His eyes never left mine as he stepped back to the podium where the Bible was closed, waiting, waiting, waiting. Cyrus opened the Book, exposing a long piece of silver that shone in the dappled morning light. His touch was delicate as he lifted the knife from the pages. “A true believer, if he shall be righteous, will hold the Balm of Gilead in their veins.”
Cyrus held the weapon out for me to take and I knew without question what was being asked of me. To bleed was to heal.
My body stilled. I glanced at my mother’s face in the crowd, at the child. My stomach writhing as I hesitated, the pungentness of my fear. Cyrus did not waver. He knew that I was going to obey, and after a moment, I took the knife. My hand was clenched into a fist that I forced open with the jagged edge of my fingernail, and then I laid the tip of the blade along the length of my palm, from my middle finger to my wrist. If the congregation was making noise, I could not hear it. I was not aware of anything but the coolness of the blade on my palm and the steadfast eyes of the Messiah. I took a breath, inhaling the scent of sweat and God, and I pressed the knife into my flesh. Blood rose from the cut and I sunk my teeth into my tongue to keep from
screaming at the horrible ripping open of my flesh. The Messiah stepped forward, taking my injured hand in his. He lifted my palm, the blood spilling out from the incision onto the wooden floor of the stage. He looked at me, and he beamed, kissing my marred skin. When he lifted his face to look at me, his mouth was the color of a poppy bloom.
“Beautiful,” said the Messiah. “Just beautiful.”
I heard the truth in his words and smiled. I watched the blood spill out of my veins and it was so astoundingly beautiful. Light radiated from every inch of my body. There was no more pain, no more doubt.
I walked to the edge of the stage and knelt, just as the Messiah had done moments before, holding out my hand so that my palm hovered above the baby. The blood trickled from my hand onto the infant’s face, splattering against his forehead. His face turned sour, as if preparing to weep, and then the boy opened both eyes and looked at me with wide, blue irises, seeing everything there was to see.
Although they couldn’t see the boy’s face, the congregation began to holler, clapping their hands, and shouting praises. Even the youngest children, ones who had only heard of miracles happening before, knew what they were witnessing. We all knew who the Messiah was.
We all had faith. Glorious, gorgeous faith that spilled out of us like blood.
Cyrus moved beside me, reaching for the child. The boy’s father held him out to The Messiah without even a moment of hesitation. His wife fell to the ground, hands grasping at the dirt-encrusted carpeting of the altar, writhing from the force of the sobs that echoed throughout
her body. The father was pious, quiet, waiting. Cyrus looked out into the reverberating crowd, and then to me. He turned the baby so that only I could see him.
“Lou,” he said, “tell me what you see.”
I flinched, unsure of what he wanted to hear. “His eyes are open.”
“How do you know?”
I flicked my gaze away. “Because I can see them.”
“But how do you know that your eyes are open?”
“Because my heart is holy. Because I have God in me.” I had been baptized five years ago, and ever since then, each Sunday during worship, I would partake in the same ritual as the adults. Cyrus knew when you were ready to hold God not only in your heart or your soul, but in your earthly vessel.
On this day we had not yet done it, and Cyrus led me back to the podium where the Bible and the bloodied knife sat, waiting or forgotten, I didn’t know which. Perhaps there wasn’t truly a difference. There was one other thing on the rostrum; a little bowl filled with white powder.
I gazed at Cyrus. Isaiah had been placed in the arms of his parents. Maybe he’d never left them. I couldn’t see anything but Cyrus, and I wondered if this was how the boy felt. His parents looked down at his face, marred with my drying blood, and his eyes were clouded, unfocused. Open, but seeing nothing. Isaiah’s eyes roamed toward the Messiah’s voice but couldn’t find its source. His parents cooed at him, wiggling their fingers as if they were worms over his line of eyesight. He didn’t blink.
Cyrus motioned for me to stand next to him and placed the moonscape of his thumb onto my bottom lip, pulling it down over my chin, exposing the flesh and bone of my mouth. His finger tasted of saline and I couldn’t resist swallowing the saliva that pooled with his sweat on
my tongue. With his other hand Cyrus swiped at the powder that shifted inside its porcelain bowl. His eyes were wide as he pressed the dust into my gums, his pupils dilating, a wild grin forming at the sensation of my spit on his skin. Bitterness filled my mouth as the powder seemed to seep into my blood. Cyrus placed his hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead, his lips warm and wet.
“The bones of Jesus are within you,” he said, and I nodded, allured by what I knew was to come. The powder and its euphoria. It had a different name outside the ranch, but I didn’t know it. All I knew was the brightness and the bitterness and the beauty. He then waved his hand towards the crowd, indicating for them to stand. “Anyone who has been blessed by the Water and the Father may come to taste the skeleton of the Lord.”
There was a tumbling of movement throughout the chapel as people stood, waiting for the others in their pew to line up at the steps of the stage, one by one readying themselves for Cyrus to place some of the white powder in their opened mouths. As people began to climb the
stairs, I turned to go back to my seat, but the Messiah caught my bloodied hand in his own. He pulled me into his body so that his voice could only be heard by my ears.
“God has chosen you, Lou,” he said, kissing me again, this time on the lips. I could taste my blood on his mouth. He looked at me and smiled.
As I passed Isaiah’s parents on my way back to the pew where my family sat, I glanced at the boy, searching for the blue, but all there were were little pinkish eyelids on a sleeping child who would never wake.
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